**One thing you can’t hide – is when you’re crippled inside.” – John Lennon*
******
*Kiya***
At least the Ferris Wheel didn’t stop like in those cheesy movies. The slow and tranquil ride relaxed both Neron and me. We both sat together in our cabin, gradually ascending towards the indigo sky. The near-full moon bathed me in its scintillating light, smiling down on me as I reciprocated one back.
My connection to the moon had strengthened since the awakening. Before, it was an ally, a helper to me. Now it was maternal. I felt Selene’s protection as the moon shone down on us and I wished I could see her again. Even though I couldn’t, I knew she was always there watching over me, watching over us all.
Even Neron was watching me. I felt his eyes on me as I watched the sky.
“I like the view,” I was never good at initiating conversation. “The last time I had been this high up was on a plane to Europe.”
“You traveled?” Neron asked, intrigued.
“Yes. My parents took me to Paris one day on their spontaneous trips before I started college. It was the first time I ever traveled outside of my home, let alone the country. I was so scared, but they reassured me that everything would be okay.” Memories of my trip played in my head like an old movie, bringing warmth to my chest. “Vacationing in Paris ended up being one of the best moments of my life. I hope to go back someday.” I turn to him. “Have you ever traveled out of Nevada?”
“Here and there. No place near as exciting as Paris though, that’s for sure.” Neron chuckled. “I’ve traveled to other states to speak with other Alphas, form alliances, and talk business. I wouldn’t call it a vacation, but it felt good to breathe in different air.”
“Favorite place?”
“Hmm. Miami. Very nice with fantastic beaches. I did business with the Alpha of the Sunstone Pack, but there was something about Miami that called to me. I wish I could spend more time there when I had the opportunity.” His warm smile did things to my heart because it began picking up speed. “You said Paris was one of your best moments. What was the best?”
I bit my lip. My answer would mercilessly murder the mood. But he asked. I shouldn’t withhold the truth. What happened was for the best because it freed me from hurt and tyranny. “When I broke my bond with Zircon.”
And like that, the mood died. Neron’s smile vanished into a forlorn frown, his eyes losing their shine. “Oh. I…”
“You asked.”
“Kiya, how did you survive the fall?” Neron shifted in his seat, fully facing me. Our knees brushed each other lightly. “There’s…no one could’ve survived a drop like that, human or werewolf.”
“I didn’t survive, Neron.” His eyes widened in shock as I continued. “I died that night. I drowned. Correction, *Halima* drowned.”
“But…you’re still her.”
“Neron, there are reasons I wanted to separate myself from my past. I’m not her and never would be again.”
“I apologize.” He whispered. “How are you here now?”
“Selene was merciful,” I brush my fingers through my teddy bear’s sandy pelt. “I died before my time. After some conversation, she sent me back to Earth for another life. She said I have a purpose to fulfill.” I laughed. “I guess she meant this avatar stuff, huh?”
“Goodness…” Neron buried his face in his hands, shielding his eyes. As if he didn’t want me to see his physical shame. “Kiya, I want to know. I want to know what happened after you survived.”
“Why?”
“So, I could truly understand how my actions fucked up your life, and how your pack gave you the life you deserved.” He suddenly looked at me, his eyes brimming with intense emotion. “Tell me how much I and my pack failed you.”
“Everything?”
“Everything.”
Neron got what he asked, albeit with some hesitation. From my grueling recovery to mental health counseling to getting back in school to where I am today, I told all. Neron listened in silence until I finished but failed to keep a neutral expression. Emotions were easy to read on his face, I could read him like an open book.
I saw sadness. Shock. Frustration. Anger. Guilt. Substantial guilt like a dark storm cloud. It rained on him and added more weight to his shoulders. Neron looked as if someone shot him in the chest and the pain hasn’t registered in him yet. I spared no detail. I wanted him to imagine how hard my life was. How hard my recovery was and still is. Many times, in the past five years I wanted to give up and end it all, but it was only with the support of my friends and family that I was alive today.
He had to know that. I could go on and on about how Zircon Moon destroyed me. But that’s not the focus.
At least talking about it would help Neron reflect on his past actions. Maybe he feels like he hasn’t done enough? I don’t know.
In a flash, I was pulled into a hug. A tight one. Neron’s trembling body swallowed me whole, jerking with every silent sob. Hot tears rained like acid rain on my bare shoulder, blistering and powerful. He buries his large head in the crook of my neck with the atmosphere of the cabin thick with intensity.
It was overwhelming. I didn’t know what to do, it even conflicted Artemis whether to comfort Onyx, who was also howling deep in shame. I couldn’t hug Neron back, mostly because my arms were trapped in his hold like a boa constrictor.
“You went through so much, and I did that to you. You shouldn’t have gone through it. I’m sorry. I’m deeply, incredibly sorry, Kiya. I’m sorry for hurting you. For forcing you to choose to end your life. I’m happy that you found your place and have people that love you deeply. They did the job that I and my pack should have done. Goddess…”
“Neron, I’m scared,” I confessed to his shoulder. He releases me, pulling me back cautiously.
“Of what?”
“Of this…whatever the hell this is.” I motioned to the space between us. “I can’t afford any of this happening.
“I’m not sure I follow.”
“You can feel the bond and so can I.” I explained, running a hand through my hair. “That’s the most irritating thing right now. You’re apologizing and doing so much for me, and I hate it. Over this past month, it’s becoming harder to hate you. I am terrified of opening my heart out further because I’m afraid you’re going to turn around and crush it. I’m afraid this is all some trick. Many have taken advantage of my heart and I’ll protect it, always.”
“Your second chance mate deserves your heart, Kiya. They are out there and―!”
“They aren’t,” I whisper. “I asked Selene not to give me one.”
Neron looked at me, aghast. “Why the hell would you do that? You deserve a mate, Kiya, one who hasn’t hurt you as I did!”
“Because you never know what would happen with second chances! How do I know they won’t hurt me? That they’ll uphold their promises of love and security? It was too much of a fucking risk and I’m sick and tired of being hurt! I rather have natural love, not the love of a stupid bond!”
“You’re afraid of love.”
“No, I’m afraid of falling into that same dark hole I fought tooth and nail to get out!”